getting back in the swing of things.

I feel SO FAT.

I know that I haven't been on here for forever.. I let myself slide a little bit more each day.. bad enough that I even started letting myself eat at work again. What the hell..

Last time that I did this I went from 145 pounds to under 135.. I had been doing it for about a month, and I had been working out a lot then too. The guy I was sort of dating triggered all of these ideas that what I was doing wasn't okay... stupid.

I'm back to my thinspo videos, i'm about to make myself a nice big glass of water and take a long shower, and then another large glass of water.. then work.. and I will NOT eat there. When I come home, if I haven't eaten all day, I will treat myself to a few glasses of wine :)

addiction

Thin feels so good!!!!!!

"and the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin"

well baby, can you bleed like me?

Things have been wonderful for me in the past few days. I hope that it keeps up. :D :D :D 

Just omg.

I still don't understand the random two and days here and there where I am not hungry at all. I guess it works for me :) 

I try to eat a little something,  but anything after a couple of bites makes me feel sick. I love it. 

in the meantime..

I think I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. Just maybe adding a lot more raw veggies and stuff  on days that I feel like fasting, instead of nothing.

Then on nights when I go out, I'll try not to feel too bad if I decide to pick off of someone's dish of fries or something. I'll still eat some things that I like but in very considerable moderation.

Is that still too far? Or not far enough?

I am wondering if there's away to do everything mildly, but still avoid the long term health issues.

Frustrated.

I am in the process of endlessly researching symptoms my body has been experiencing. I'm trying to decipher what is a result of my dieting and what is a result of other stresses/ sicknesses.

The knowledge I've been gathering has been scaring me out of how I've been going about losing weight a little bit. I'm trying to figure out a healthier way of doing all of this.. but still achieving the look that I want. The problem I've been confronting in my mind that has been the most troubling is the question of whether I really care if the aftermath turns out to be bad. Isn't the now just a little more important? This thought, I know, has many other confrontations with ideas that I've been thinking over and battling with in the past couple of months. Second, and this goes hand in hand with the first, I almost don't believe that I could ever cause such damage to myself. I would never be that 'successful?' or damaging.

Almost funny, my largest fear, which almost means more to me than the life threatening diseases I could procure, is the thought that I would actually have trouble losing weight if I ever wanted to stop. I would be even FATTER.

Hmmmm...... So many thoughts.

One thing is for sure, I know that I'm not "Pro" ana. I will not stop following the blogs or taking advice from other Pro-Anas. I've decided, after the research that I've done, could never live with the weight that I would ever encourage someone to basically kill themselves.

I'm hoping that after more and more research, I'll find some kind of solution that will bring me to a satiable conclusion where I can somehow achieve a bony body with less risk. We shall see. In the meantime, I'll try to document as much as I find along with my personal "achievements?"

Bingin

I don't think I completely understand how this happens.

You do so well, amazing.. several days of fasting or close to fasting in a row. Hunger is rare. It's easy to say no to food, and even easier to say no to bad foods. But once you eat two normal meals in one day.. that suddenly gives you the urge to eat everything around you? Even if you're not hungry? Even if you mostly don't even want to?

Last night I indulged in pizza... The entire veggie pizza that has been sitting in my refrigerator for the past week and a half. I my tummy wasn't saying it was hungry.. but my brain just kept saying, " it's probably okay if you have this pizza.. why don't you just cook it and have one small slice? That way your room mates can have the rest when they get home" So, I cooked it.. and I just kept going back to the kitchen after every slice and inhaling the slices as they were air.

Now I'm sitting here worrying, and have been worrying all day because of how much damned food I ate yesterday.. Worrying about how long it will take to work an entire flippin' pizza off. I think I'm going to make a new rule.. and make sure to stick with it: when I eat, I will only eat around other people. I think it'll  (hopefully) decrease the likelihood of binging/over eating in the future.

Fasting yesterday : no problem. 

I started today out with getting a large espresso w/ skim milk, worked out. I did 3o minutes of cardio on the step machine (about 3 and a half miles) and a bunch of core work outs with my friend Molly after that. This included sit ups, stretches, funky team work outs on the work out ball sand such, weighted basketballs.. etc. 

Then afterwards what did she want to do? haha, lunch at Chili's. I had a half of a sandwich and a side salad. I ate the salad, other than the croutons, I only ate some of the half sandwich and a few of the fries. They made me drink this large "Green Monster" some kind of alcoholic beverage. Before I could say no my friend (the waiter) went and grabbed it. 

Then I was fine for a while. I felt hungry, and it felt good, but then it kind of got spoiled when Vito took me on the rest of my errands and back home. He stopped to get Burger King and I ordered one of their dessert pies. Way too many calories.. I looked it up when I got home.. Just gross. So, I'm probably back at 1000 cal.. and that will be my calories for today. I might eat some carrots or an apple later. or celery.. idk. 

I'm happy that I'm building up some muscle to burn away some of the fat though. I am just worried that today is going to make me gain the 10 pounds that I lost back.. eww, I feel so gross. I mean, why did I order that? I wish I would've had the chance to count to one hundred. 

On the brighter side, I've lost almost ten pounds since the last time I weighed in! I'm down to 135!! yayy!!! 

work out time!

My day of fasting has gone well so far. I only had a tiny bite of brownie while I was covering it and putting it away this morning.

I was a tad hungry after work, probably from thinking about working out. When I got home I brushed my teeth and the hunger went away.

I'm now enjoying some sprite zero, and about to be enjoying some yummy 20 calorie hot chocolate :)

I haven't had much to drink today. Only a coffee and 2 glasses of water.

Tomorrow I'm working out with my room mate at the gym. Cardio and abs. :D Now to enjoy the party around in my room dancing and thinspo watching time!

Feeling kind of gross..

I binged a little tonight.. I mean, I still ate less than I normally would in a day, but idk.. ew.

I had only a half of a piece of the lasagna, and I'm super proud of myself for that. It was good.. but SO gross and cheesy and meaty and ew.

Then I had a small salad, a bunch of baby carrots and light ranch (forty cal for 2 tbsp), fat free cocoa with light soy milk, and bar of ritter sport dark chocolate. I mean, it wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I ate the entire thing. Oh, and I ate some saltines and salsa.. probably around 8 or 10 saltines.

At least I'm feeling full... I'm guessing that it I consumed somewhere around 1000 calories... I'm rounding up. Hoping to god it didn't equal any more than that because... just no. haha.

Tomorrow I'll be doing liquids only. and maybe an apple if I get hungry. Because today was the first time I had ever felt hungry.. in like over a week.  I think that it's a good thing.. maybe my tummy is getting a little better, cleared out. idk. I'm going to start trying to stay off dairy.

TIME debunks negative calories

Although many foods that are very good for you and are low in calories, they still are not negative. The calorie burning your digestive system does is extremely low.

"and although it may seem strenuous to chew celery, it burns just as many calories as it does to watch grass grow" - Time.

negative?

Are all of these really negative? :
negative kc veg-

aspgus Beet Root Broccoli Cabbage Carrot Cauliflower Celery	Chicory Hot Chili Cucumber Garden cress Garlic Green Beans	Lettuce Onion Radish Spinach Turnip Zucchini
Negative Calorie Fruits
Apple Blueberries Cantaloupe Cranberry Grapefruit	Honeydew Lemon/Lime Mango Orange Papaya Peach	Pineapple Raspberry Strawberry Tomato Tangerine Turnip Watermelon

Today I woke up super sick (I've been getting sick.). I woke up, took more advil, some cold relief stuff, had a cup of cocoa and 2 glasses of water. The cocoa was super high in calories (120!) but I saw on the side that they offer cocoa that 's fat free.. only 50 cal.. then when  I went to the store, I came across cocoa that was 20kc a cup!! I bought it. It felt so good to have something sweet and delicious when I am sick.

Early this morning before I went to bed (five am) I decided to eat a cup of weight watchers broccoli and cream soup. It was 147kc and 9g of fat. Today the only thing I've had so far is water, that soy cocoa, and diet tea. I bought some soda , the sprite zero. I usually never even drink soda, but I figure.. if I ever get hungry, and I want something tasty.. I can drink soda, feel like I've gained 100 pounds, lose my appetite, yet in reality it's zero calories! It would also be good to mix with shots :D I'm the only person in this house that would eat it anyways.

Oh and I lied, I just ate a stick of plain celery too. NOM!

Happy

I feel smaller today, and it's awesome. I think I consumed somewhere around 600 calories yesterday, and it was definitely the most I've consumed in one day for the past 5 days. Today I fasted, but I am still deciding if I should eat a little something tonight.

Work today was super crazy, I could feel my body getting worn out, but at the end of the night I still had all kinds of energy. The more tired my muscles felt, the higher my brain felt and it only made me run around faster. It was exhilarating !

It used to be so difficult to fast, and now it's a piece of cake. I almost had some saltines and salsa this morning, but I tried a new trick. I took out the food, but before I ate it I counted to 100 to see if I really wanted to consume it.. around number fifty I just stopped counting and walked away from it. Then before I went to work I just put it all back. :)

YAY!

So, I decided that my throat was actually really sore. I drank two glasses of water, and I had a cup of Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds cereal with Light Soy Milk. I turned up the heat in my room, threw on some sweats and decided to relearn how to belly dance! I just watched 20 minutes of Arabic beginner's belly dancing, and it was made to be a work out too. Slow, rhythmic breathing exercises, stretches, detail movement learning.. a video made to work out your whole body while also teaching you to belly dance.

It was AWESOME.

I'm super sweaty now, ick. I'll probably do a few more work outs and shower off for work.

Drunken madness ensued last night.

It was fun, Vito and I sat and watched a movie and drank to it. We talked about Rock am Ring too, well.. most of the time actually. I woke up next to Vito on the couch, it was kind of silly. Neither of us finished our movie. I had a couple slices of German pizza.. probably the size of about one american slice. It was cheese and sour cream? I don't remember. It was good, but I'm happy that it's gone now and that Vito ate almost the whole thing. I also had some chips with spicy salsa.

I'm still not hungry, and I wasn't even hungry when I ate that pizza last night. I really shouldn't have eaten it, yet I am really curious as to why I'm still not hungry. I think I'm coming down with something. My throat hurts a little, but it doesn't feel swollen, just scratchy.

Weird.

All I've eaten in the past two days was a half of a bell pepper plain. And it wasn't in any way satisfying. I am not hungry at all.. 

In fact, I feel really full. 

I worked a double today, and I've worked the previous two nights also. I will be working nights until Wednesday for my next day off. I'm thinking I may fast tomorrow too. I just don't feel the need to eat, and I honestly don't want to eat until I feel hungry. 

I've been drinking LOTS of water/diet tea.. In fact I just ran out of tea so I'm kinda sad. I've also been drinking lots of coffee. I love coffee. I had a  non fat cappuccino today too. 

Maybe I'm sick or something? I know yesterday my tummy looked swollen, today the swelling has gone down, but it still doesn't feel/seem normal. Idk. 

Diet Lipton Green Tea

= BEST THING EVER.

0 calories

You can buy it in large jugs that are easy to drink straight out of, and it reminds you to drink MORE. It's tasty too, so if you're at a point where you're almost FORCING yourself to drink water.. this goes down easy.

Last night, going out and getting drunk.. Horrible idea.

Tonight I sustained and decided that I definitely need to stay in. I did pretty well all day yesterday until I went and got smashed and ate a shit ton. An entire donor box and plate of potato wedges.

Today has been successful. I haven't eaten anything all day, and I haven't felt hungry at all either. I miss feeling hungry, and I feel that my day of not eating anything hasn't even done crap because I'm not hungry.

I'm deciding to fast tomorrow too. If I get really hungry, I may eat a small salad or some of my sliced up bell peppers for a snack. I work a double tomorrow, so I know I'll be worn out. :D

I have a head ache currently, so I think some working out and dancing around is definitely going to be put on the agenda for the remainder of my night. I drank a LOT of water and coffee today, and I'm about to enjoy some dry white wine. It won't take me much at all to get drunk. I had a few sips earlier and was feeling a buzz right off the bat.

My friend Matt filled all of my prescriptions for me and is going to have them in the mail for me on Monday, a full 3 month supply!!! I am so happy. I know that those drugs will help me stay on track too. I'll be able to finally get out of this slump and feel less anxious at work. Yayy!!!


My goal for this week is to stay home as much as possible. I don't want to make the goal too difficult, so I'll allow myself one or two nights out this week. Next week, I'm going to try to not go out at all. We'll see how I feel after this week. I'll start going out again in the future more, but I really want to get back to where I was. Going out right now just makes me give myself too many excuses to eat. I did not have this issue with staying away from food before I moved into this house. It's so wonderful to have internet again, and my thinspo videos, and this blog, and support from Katie. :D

Back on track..

I have to do this.

Tomorrow I will eat almost nothing. The day after that I am GOING to fast.

I will still drink to pass the time. But I'll have internet, and I'll have wine and thinspirational videos once again, I have candles for my room..

I am mad at the world and I want to be the one that everyone wants the most not the one that everyone wants to avoid because I'm hard to "understand" or "relate" to. And I don't care that they still won't understand.

If thin is the only way to do it, then so be it. I want it anyways. I want to fit into a size zero.. I want XS shirts to hang off me like bedtime shirts when I was a kid. I don't want it to matter how crazy I am.

New Goal

Talking less.. much less. This will be really hard, but it will pay off in control and maybe I'll be more pretty.

Perfection

Today will be


Water, coffee, water, coffee, water, coffee.

Exercise.

Water water water water

Coffee coffee coffee

Music, Dance Dance

Water Water

Sleep


(Valentine's day gift to myself)

Too depressed to write anything productive.

I feel fat.

People (old friends) at work were awful, for no apparent reason, today.

Fasting started.. right after my 3rd full meal in the past three days. Mandatory birthday dinner, mandatory date, mandatory lunch date. And where did my friend want to eat for lunch today, you  ask? McDonalds. What. The. Fuck. I steered away from any drinks they had to offer and stuck with my espresso... I had a small fry and a Chicken Napole? idk.. some weird sandwich that they may or may not even offer in the states. It was advertised next to their Nurnburger.. which I know is just German.

Yep.. I'm just going to stay indoors.. in my house.. for like.. the next two days. Probably until I need to go back to work on Wednesday. I don't think Ryan will want to do anything on Vday. Idk.. just a guess.

So Icky

I went out for Indian for my friend Amber's birthday, I tried to eat more of the spicier foods. I think I ate more than I wanted to.. almost a bingish thing. I didn't eat the desert. We went out for drinks afterwards, and it took me a normal amount (compared to before to get tipsy) which really frustrated me.

Tomorrow I have work, ( lots of cardio) and right afterwards I have to rush home and get ready for my date. We're going out for sushi, I know that that is not too bad for you :)

Sunday before work (3 45) I am going out shopping with my friend Shon. Tights, skirts, dresses ... they're on my priority list. I wore my skinny jeans tonight, nothing else fit !!! Yay. Hopefully this Indian food doesn't make me gain ten pounds.. it seriously feels like it will, even though in reality that's probably much less calories than I would normally consume. I need to burn all of those horrible things from the drinks off first. I saw a liquor drink comparison type thing today and it made me sick to my stomach.  An Italian margarita on the rocks... 1100 calories. That's more than entire day's worth of calories in ONE drink. I'm going to try and start sticking to shots. There is no way I will give up the progress on these thighs for that.


:D Thinspo Thinspo Thinspo....

Tip: Youtube thinspo + fav songs, + dancing in your living room.. for over an hour. GREAT exercise and confidence booster. Let it prove itself :D

A date already?

Wow, I can't believe I'm going on a date already! This guy is so awesome and cute :) I hope things go well. I want to go shopping before I go out because I want more cute clothes. I feel like I don't really have anything to top what I was wearing last night.


I am kind of frustrated with myself today because I had a whole granny smith apple, a clementine, a bite of my friend's spinach salad, a couple bites of donor and a half of a cookie... that's like.. probably 400 calories. ew. And I was trying to save my calories for tomorrow because I know I'm going to have to eat when I go out to dinner with Amber and her family for Amber's birthday.

Then on SATURDAY Ryan is taking me out for sushi! So, I'll definitely be fasting starting Sunday, and if nothing gets planned for Vday, then I'll be fasting on Monday too.

So excited! :)

GRrrRr

My friend Amber bought chips! I keep going over and eating them. They are sun chips, and sun chips are tasty.


But, I am not too mad about it. I have been so good about not eating, and most of the time I'm not even hungry anymore. It's amazing.

Today was kind of awesome. I was supposed to be moving out of this house and into my friend Molly's. I don't think it's happening. Amber had work at five so I finally did some shopping at the BX. I got some color safe hair products for my new color. I wore an outfit that I would've never worn before. :D :D :D I wore my tights and my really really short dress/shirt thing that has little flowers on it and it's really thin and whispy. And I wore my furry boots. I got SO MANY compliments! It felt so good. My legs are skinnier, my arms are skinnier, my tummy is shrinking every day.


So happy :)

drunkadrunka

Last night was nuts.

I am so proud of myself. I broke up with Stefan, I am extremely sad yes, but the witty hurtful comments he's trying to send me.. I can see right through them. It feels so good to have that.

I drank last night.. drank off the pain. I got drunk SO fast. I don't know the last time I got drunk that fast I fasted all day yesterday with the exception of when I got home after work. I had a clementine and a very very small bowl of noodles. Like 6 noodles. A couple itty bitty pieces of chicken and red sauce.

The feeling of thin, I can feel it. It feels WONDERFUL and I love it so much. I wouldn't want my body any other way, except maybe thinner. :D

bleh yesterday.

It was awful. I ate so much food. Probably around 900 cal. I guess I was kind of expecting it though soo... idk. My stomach HATED me for it last night though. goodness.

Today is a good start. I had a normal sized bowl of honey bunches of oats (almond), and I'm pretty sure that that's going to be it for today. If I get hungry later I'll allow myself a bowl of salad with light ranch. Or a tomato salad with balsamic vinegar.

I think the spa is what made me so hungry though. We only went for two hours, I can't wait to go back :D We just went from sauna to steam room to hot tub to sauna to steam/sauna session, to lounging.. I sweat EVERYthing out. It was amazing. I hope we start going at least once a month. Next time we want to go for the entire day! There's even a  napping room :)

I did 100 crunches last night, I'll probably do 100 more before work in an hour. Other than the part that I serve food all day, I love my job. It makes me run around for at least a few hours straight every day. Carrying dishes, trays, rushing drinks, practicing a smile, keeping me busy.

In other news. I'm breaking up with Stefan, my boyfriend. And I'm trying to figure out the best way to extract the invitation for Rachel to move out here. It wasn't until after I offered to buy her plane ticket that she revealed to me that she actually doesn't have any money anymore and wouldn't have been able to make it out here otherwise. That kinda hurt. a lot. Stefan and I were never good for each other anyways. It's gonna be a long night.

Owie

Hunger pains.

I'm happy they're happening. It's a pretty pain, and curling up in balls does help.

Cardio Cardio Cardio!!!!

I went and got my hair done a little more, Alisha did a wonderful job!

I didn't eat anything at her house. I had 2 cups of coffee :D

When I got home I listened to loud music and danced around my house for over a half an hour. I played dress up with myself and kept attempting (kind of failed) to capture my image with my camera. Hula Hooping took place for over twenty minutes as well. 

Jerry and I went to the hookah bar in Lanstuhl. He tried to get me to drink, which I finally had a drink he bought be at the Blarney Stone. Only a little though. We walked all over Lanstuhl, he got Donor and Pommes (french fries) and I resisted! Not even a bite. We walked from the Blarney Stone to the Red Lion where we only had waters :D Then we walked back to our car. It was a wonderful atmosphere. Steff joined us too! They invited me to go get nakey at the Spa tomorrow.. lol.. German Spa. So, after work, we're going to buy some fresh fruits for snacks while we're there. (I AM SO HAPPY THAT THEY ENJOY HEALTHY FOODS ON THEIR OWN!!) This will be so easy. The spa has really hot saunas and salt scrubs and pools and hot tubs and cold showers. It has a quiet room where we can nap or read. I just cannot even believe that it's happening. We can stay there as long as we want all for under twenty euro! 

I had coffees, green teas, waters (lots of it!) and a little splurge on the alcohol. But barely any at all. It was all in favor of a good time. 

Wow, and I've had so much energy. There is a DEFINITE change in my tummy and I'm starting to see it in my legs. I feel great. This can't stop. I won't let it. 

Success!!!!

Oh my, I am so proud of myself! Two cups of coffee and two cups of water so far today :)

Alisha worked on my hair a bit more (darkened the roots a bit more, and straightened it :D ), danced danced danced!!!! I played dress up in my mirror, took a bunch of pictures, watched Thinspirational videos on Youtube, hula hooped... And I am so energetic and happy!!! I am seeing a DEFINITE change in my tummy :D It's so exciting. I think My thighs are starting to slim a little too!!!! OMG!

Okay, idk what's with me. Probably the caffeine and heightened energy levels from treating myself the way I want to be treated.

I also styled my hair scene like, I didn't even know my hair could do that. Awesome.

I'm wearing a kick ass outfit, it's super adorable, and I'm going out with my friend Jerry. About to leave the house any moment. I was thinking about another cup of coffee before leaving but I don't want to keep him waiting TOO long, ya know?


Alright Alright, I'm done! lol, I love ya chickies!

Fast

I'm doing it today :)

Does this sound at all progressive, or am I delusional?

I am looking up calories for things left and right, and I think I've consumed 500/600 cal today. Most of the things I had contained little to no fat, however, so I'm feeling pretty good I guess. Trying to follow my own words and not get too upset with myself.

I ended up having a brownie, I could barely finish it. Later, I made myself a small tomato salad with balsamic vinegar and pepper. As A side I had a slice of light wheat toast (45 cal) plain with a couple pieces of cheese.

I have been getting the hang of constantly drinking water though :)

Today actually gave me some really good ideas for the future though. Eating one Romaine tomato (35/45? cal) with balsamic vinegar (15 cal/1 tsp) is filling if eaten slowly and contains almost NO fat whatsoever.

The light wheat bread (2 slices) is 90 cal, almost no fat and tasty. After I get rid of this cheese and chocolate.. that's the end. Good bye fattyness!

LOL

Okay I think I'm doing this ALL backwards! haha, I mean, it's not too serious or anything.. but ha.

I got really mad at myself for eating another couple bites of chocolate... Like one or two is okay, but those calories add up!

So, I decided, I should really get on those crunches! I did 100, I'm planning on doing another 150 by the end of the night. I hula hooped for 15 minutes and I danced for a few minutes before my room mate got back home. I think I burned around 100 calories? At the very least it takes care of the chocolate. That should not be the mentality though.

My room mate now came home with brownie mix, which she is delightfully baking right now. I promised her I would have one, I might only take a bite or two though. Her and her friend are mocking at how I'm missing out on not having any of the batter at the moment. I definitely do not need that in me at all.

I may also have a Romaine tomato with cracked pepper, NOM.

Okay off to drink coffee :)

to F L 100..

Where can I post comments on your page??

Today:

2 bites of whole almond chocolate

1 small bowl of honey bunches of oats/almond w/ skim milk

     (about a cup of cereal and 1/2c cup of milk) 

I think that brings me to about 200 cal for today. 

Work today was not that great. I made about fifty bucks, which isn't a lot compared to my normal nights. I had a dream that my Dad and I were dancing in a field last night. At the end he had to go, and he said he would meet me in the Bahamas.  It was a very good dream, but it had me crying at work and I felt like an idiot. Luckily not a lot of people noticed. 

I may end up having one small salad with fat free Italian. 

I think I'm doing pretty well. I may end up fasting tomorrow. I am going over to Amber's so she can finish up my hair, and I may also be hanging out with my friend Jerry. We haven't talked much since I've been back here, but he was there for me today at work and insisted that we do something. Sunday is the superbowl... FUUUUUUUCCCCCC -only another reason why I want to fast tomorrow. Justin is taking me over to Glen's house (our manager at Mac Grill) to watch football and play poker. I don't think I'll be allowed to play though. It's kind of a guy's thing over there. 

Day Three/ Four

Sorry for not really updating last night.

I ended up caving and eating a half a piece of Schnitzel when I went to my friend's house, AND a fucking Samoa at work from my other friend. I counted the calories of yesterday and it was still about 3oo, but they were GROSS calories, and I don't want that to happen anymore.

I also need to drink alcohol much less. I swear that must be killing me. I weighed myself today, and I feel like I haven't changed at all.

Today I slept a lot, I went to a party last night and we were up until 6.40 am. Then I had to do laundry this morning.

I did go out and hula hoop a bit, Yay!!!! And so far today has been apple and water. I'm trying really hard to drink this water but I feel so full already.



TO DO:

buy a scale. (srsly, needs to happen)
100 crunches
try REALLY hard not to eat anything at Justin's tonight.
Go to bed EARLY for work. (tomorrow is a day shift)

Last night-

Other than getting totally creeped on by a guy that I thought was a good friend....

My friend Amber and I had a little photo shoot of us being friends and such. I dyed my hair yesterday (will upload new photos!), so I was trying to get some good shots of it. I will say, I am SEEING a difference in my body, tiny yes.. but still progressive. I have no ideas in my head of quitting or letting this up. At first it was scary, now it's necessary. I want to do more things like this with my friend Amber because it makes me more conscious of my body and it keeps me moving a little.

:)

Setting up!

Well I'm about to leave the house. I had 2 cups of watered down coffee (oops! yuck!) 1 1/2 glasses of water, half a granny smith apple and 1 slice of light wheat (only 45 cal!) toast plain.

I actually feel pretty rejuvenated :D

Wish me luck! I have a goal of only eating ONE small salad tonight ( I just want to see if I can do it), so send me some encouragement !

::heart::

Wondering

What should I eat today for breakfast? Grrr. 

I caved and have a piece of bread last night (plain), so I can't decide if I should just wait until tonight. I don't want work to be awful and hard. It will be more difficult today because I start at 3 45 rather than 545.. It just means that I'll be there longer, and be more tired at the end. 

I'm also getting my hair done today  :)

I was so proud of myself, I got to say no TWICE to baked potatoes last night. I do not need those starches. I think I'll make myself some coffee, have a glass of water and a cigarette. We'll see where that gets me :)

Day Two

Breakfast:

3 small blocks of yellow Am Chz and handful of All-Bran crackers

Dinner:

2 small bowls of salad with sliced cucumbers and the second half of my Romaine tomato.
             first one with Light Ranch/second with FF Italian.
                  

I did cheat at work a little, I had a tiny bite of my friend's fudge cake. I haven't tried it yet though, and it was only one bite.

I've also been drinking TONS of water. Like.. I've peed so many times today it's just ridiculous. Every time I felt hungry at work, I took a few sips  of water until I was satisfied.

I also had one Carona at my friend Zack's after work.

First of the many first big steps!

Drinking WATER :) 

The first thing I was going to do this morning was pour myself a bowl of cereal. Then I remembered, I SERIOUSLY need to drink more water. I need to flush all those fats out. 

I feel so good already. I'm extremely confident in myself, and the fact that I can do this.

Going to work today will be SO difficult. Everyone there loves food so much, and honestly, none of those people carry the body that I want. I am doing this for ME and those who support me (and of course those who I support ;) ).

And tonight when I'm hungry, all I'm allowing myself is a HUGE salad. My friend is going to college to be a professional runner, so she needs to eat A LOT. I for one, do not have those skills, and I need to have my own way. She is interested in Hula Hoops though, which is  a HUGE plus. 

Goal for the week:

Drink a glass of water before EVERY meal or snack. 

Day One

So I woke up, and stopped myself from eating right away. I knew that I wanted and needed new supplies for my travels at the Grocery store.

I need to stop buying the Ritter Sport 'almond and chocolate' (definitely can't just eat one square)

I made a slice of toast. It made me fee SO FULL !!!

Later I got a little hungry and snacked on a hand full of crackers and a couple small blocks of am. chz.

I knew that I wanted to eat something to call dinner so I made a salad with Light Ranch and a half of a Romaine Tomato.

THEN! I discovered Thinspo.. just amazing.

I actually feel confident that I can do it now.

Later I did cave in and eat a few spicy fries that my friend brought over. But I now that I can do it.

Things from now on are going to start looking wonderful.

Next up- Buying a Scale. :)

Okay - First entry

Now I don't have to look like an idiot for posting all those private journal entries. Instead I can make productive and self motivated entries. Hopefully I'll be able to find support too :)