Frustrated.

I am in the process of endlessly researching symptoms my body has been experiencing. I'm trying to decipher what is a result of my dieting and what is a result of other stresses/ sicknesses.

The knowledge I've been gathering has been scaring me out of how I've been going about losing weight a little bit. I'm trying to figure out a healthier way of doing all of this.. but still achieving the look that I want. The problem I've been confronting in my mind that has been the most troubling is the question of whether I really care if the aftermath turns out to be bad. Isn't the now just a little more important? This thought, I know, has many other confrontations with ideas that I've been thinking over and battling with in the past couple of months. Second, and this goes hand in hand with the first, I almost don't believe that I could ever cause such damage to myself. I would never be that 'successful?' or damaging.

Almost funny, my largest fear, which almost means more to me than the life threatening diseases I could procure, is the thought that I would actually have trouble losing weight if I ever wanted to stop. I would be even FATTER.

Hmmmm...... So many thoughts.

One thing is for sure, I know that I'm not "Pro" ana. I will not stop following the blogs or taking advice from other Pro-Anas. I've decided, after the research that I've done, could never live with the weight that I would ever encourage someone to basically kill themselves.

I'm hoping that after more and more research, I'll find some kind of solution that will bring me to a satiable conclusion where I can somehow achieve a bony body with less risk. We shall see. In the meantime, I'll try to document as much as I find along with my personal "achievements?"