getting back in the swing of things.

I feel SO FAT.

I know that I haven't been on here for forever.. I let myself slide a little bit more each day.. bad enough that I even started letting myself eat at work again. What the hell..

Last time that I did this I went from 145 pounds to under 135.. I had been doing it for about a month, and I had been working out a lot then too. The guy I was sort of dating triggered all of these ideas that what I was doing wasn't okay... stupid.

I'm back to my thinspo videos, i'm about to make myself a nice big glass of water and take a long shower, and then another large glass of water.. then work.. and I will NOT eat there. When I come home, if I haven't eaten all day, I will treat myself to a few glasses of wine :)

addiction

Thin feels so good!!!!!!

"and the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin"

well baby, can you bleed like me?

Things have been wonderful for me in the past few days. I hope that it keeps up. :D :D :D 

Just omg.

I still don't understand the random two and days here and there where I am not hungry at all. I guess it works for me :) 

I try to eat a little something,  but anything after a couple of bites makes me feel sick. I love it. 

in the meantime..

I think I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. Just maybe adding a lot more raw veggies and stuff  on days that I feel like fasting, instead of nothing.

Then on nights when I go out, I'll try not to feel too bad if I decide to pick off of someone's dish of fries or something. I'll still eat some things that I like but in very considerable moderation.

Is that still too far? Or not far enough?

I am wondering if there's away to do everything mildly, but still avoid the long term health issues.

Frustrated.

I am in the process of endlessly researching symptoms my body has been experiencing. I'm trying to decipher what is a result of my dieting and what is a result of other stresses/ sicknesses.

The knowledge I've been gathering has been scaring me out of how I've been going about losing weight a little bit. I'm trying to figure out a healthier way of doing all of this.. but still achieving the look that I want. The problem I've been confronting in my mind that has been the most troubling is the question of whether I really care if the aftermath turns out to be bad. Isn't the now just a little more important? This thought, I know, has many other confrontations with ideas that I've been thinking over and battling with in the past couple of months. Second, and this goes hand in hand with the first, I almost don't believe that I could ever cause such damage to myself. I would never be that 'successful?' or damaging.

Almost funny, my largest fear, which almost means more to me than the life threatening diseases I could procure, is the thought that I would actually have trouble losing weight if I ever wanted to stop. I would be even FATTER.

Hmmmm...... So many thoughts.

One thing is for sure, I know that I'm not "Pro" ana. I will not stop following the blogs or taking advice from other Pro-Anas. I've decided, after the research that I've done, could never live with the weight that I would ever encourage someone to basically kill themselves.

I'm hoping that after more and more research, I'll find some kind of solution that will bring me to a satiable conclusion where I can somehow achieve a bony body with less risk. We shall see. In the meantime, I'll try to document as much as I find along with my personal "achievements?"

Bingin

I don't think I completely understand how this happens.

You do so well, amazing.. several days of fasting or close to fasting in a row. Hunger is rare. It's easy to say no to food, and even easier to say no to bad foods. But once you eat two normal meals in one day.. that suddenly gives you the urge to eat everything around you? Even if you're not hungry? Even if you mostly don't even want to?

Last night I indulged in pizza... The entire veggie pizza that has been sitting in my refrigerator for the past week and a half. I my tummy wasn't saying it was hungry.. but my brain just kept saying, " it's probably okay if you have this pizza.. why don't you just cook it and have one small slice? That way your room mates can have the rest when they get home" So, I cooked it.. and I just kept going back to the kitchen after every slice and inhaling the slices as they were air.

Now I'm sitting here worrying, and have been worrying all day because of how much damned food I ate yesterday.. Worrying about how long it will take to work an entire flippin' pizza off. I think I'm going to make a new rule.. and make sure to stick with it: when I eat, I will only eat around other people. I think it'll  (hopefully) decrease the likelihood of binging/over eating in the future.

Fasting yesterday : no problem. 

I started today out with getting a large espresso w/ skim milk, worked out. I did 3o minutes of cardio on the step machine (about 3 and a half miles) and a bunch of core work outs with my friend Molly after that. This included sit ups, stretches, funky team work outs on the work out ball sand such, weighted basketballs.. etc. 

Then afterwards what did she want to do? haha, lunch at Chili's. I had a half of a sandwich and a side salad. I ate the salad, other than the croutons, I only ate some of the half sandwich and a few of the fries. They made me drink this large "Green Monster" some kind of alcoholic beverage. Before I could say no my friend (the waiter) went and grabbed it. 

Then I was fine for a while. I felt hungry, and it felt good, but then it kind of got spoiled when Vito took me on the rest of my errands and back home. He stopped to get Burger King and I ordered one of their dessert pies. Way too many calories.. I looked it up when I got home.. Just gross. So, I'm probably back at 1000 cal.. and that will be my calories for today. I might eat some carrots or an apple later. or celery.. idk. 

I'm happy that I'm building up some muscle to burn away some of the fat though. I am just worried that today is going to make me gain the 10 pounds that I lost back.. eww, I feel so gross. I mean, why did I order that? I wish I would've had the chance to count to one hundred. 

On the brighter side, I've lost almost ten pounds since the last time I weighed in! I'm down to 135!! yayy!!! 

work out time!

My day of fasting has gone well so far. I only had a tiny bite of brownie while I was covering it and putting it away this morning.

I was a tad hungry after work, probably from thinking about working out. When I got home I brushed my teeth and the hunger went away.

I'm now enjoying some sprite zero, and about to be enjoying some yummy 20 calorie hot chocolate :)

I haven't had much to drink today. Only a coffee and 2 glasses of water.

Tomorrow I'm working out with my room mate at the gym. Cardio and abs. :D Now to enjoy the party around in my room dancing and thinspo watching time!